Maine's King Middle School has decided to make birth control pills available to girls as young as 11, causing an asexual uproar in a state oh-so-close to our nation's Puritanical roots.

The decision was made after local middle school girls were hit with "an outbreak of pregnancies," a description that makes pregnancy sound more like the result of a biological weapon than of fifth-grade fornication. There had been 17 pregnancies in Portland's three middle schools during the past four years, not counting any miscarriages or abortions that went unreported.

This "outbreak," however, may not be enough to convince some skeptics, who believe they have identified the true goal of the program: teacher-student molestation.

"Shouldn’t this behavior be discouraged rather than encouraged? Yes. But don’t tell that to liberal social engineers. They enjoy having sex with children."

Clearly, what those dirty Communist perverts up in Maine need are some good, ol'-fashioned purity balls.