Last Call Intern Diary

Green Is Universal, Helpful Tips From Will

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 15:57:27 -0800

Well, it’s exciting times here at NBC, as the network has declared this week to be "Green Is Universal" Week. Every NBC Universal owned show will be making a concerted effort to show just how green we can be. Since the peacock owns us, and because our arguments to not have to do this were ignored; I’ve been asked to write an entry in the hopes that the three of you who actually read this (my parents and a random college student from Minnesota) will help save our planet. Thus, I present to you some tips on how you can help the environment.

1) Reduce your television watching, it will save energy. Now, I, like the next Joe Q. Americana, likes to sit down to a full night in front of the tube. Who doesn’t want to get themselves a big popcorn bucket and be entertained by the amazing programming delivered to us by people like Carlos Mencia or the people he borrows jokes from? Actually…now that I think about it, if you turn off your television, you won’t realize that we’re trying to help save the environment. After thinking it through, it would be better to just keep it on at all times, lest you miss an important green tip.

2) Use the carpool lane. My logic is as follows, if cars that are gas efficient are allowed to use carpool lanes, than cars that drive in carpool lanes must be gas efficient. In other words, if a equals b, than b must equal a. I think that’s Occam’s Razor, or some other thing that the Greek philosopher Aeropostale came up with.

3) Hold your breath as much as you can, as often as you can. Did you know that in a regular day, the average American exhales fifty three thousand cubic square feet of carbon dioxide? I found out about this astonishing figure a few moments ago when I came up with it. Stop breathing in all that oxygen, greedy-guts. Let the trees and grass get some too.

4) Support global warming. Last time this planet got a little too cold, we had an ice age. Who wants that again? So, do whatever you can to make sure that this planet stays nice and toasty. Or we’ll go the way of “Dinosaurs”: cancelled.

5) On average, Americans use way too many water bottles. Let’s say we throw out eighty billion metric tons of them every year because that sounds like an impressive number that might frighten people too lazy to google search it. Do yourself a favor and drink tap water. And no paper cups! Drink straight out of the faucet. If you’re unwilling to do that, you’re probably not thirsty enough.

Hope these tips help. I, for one, am probably going to maybe do some if any of the things I listed. But no promises.

TV Shows that NEED to Become Movies

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 17:34:01 -0800

You’ve heard, I’m sure, about all the new movies slated to come out based on hit television shows of the past, like Sex and the City and Land of the Lost. As everyone knows, this formula works one hundred percent of the time, and if you don’t believe me then you haven’t seen Starsky and Hutch yet. I took some time to write down what television shows I think should be put on the silver screen.

Mind of Mencia

In the tradition of the Monty Python movies of the years past, it’s time for the new maestro of sketch comedy to get his own feature. Imagine it now! Three hours of Carlos Mencia with ZERO commercial breaks. He could go with one of two tantalizing possibilities in his first vehicle: the first being to do three hours of the hilarious skits that have pushed him into the holy echelon of television greats (make some room, Johnny Carson!). The second option is to spend all three hours developing one of his many exciting characters, like the crazy guy who blurts out offensive stuff, or the one that says other peoples’ jokes. Either way; bring it on!

60 Minutes

Since the third Jurassic Park, we haven’t had any films about dinosaurs.

Sportscenter

This is the way I would do it: take your classic run-of-the-mill sports movie, like a Rudy or a Glory Road and for the scenes that show the sport being played, have the always witty Stuart Scott or super-clever Chris Berman do some voiceovers. So for instance, when Rudy gets that sack in the last few minutes of the movie, Scott would shout out something like “Boo-yah! Show me the money! Straight butta! He’s livin’ la vida loca!” Sportscenter realized a long time before anyone else that the best way to make sports exciting is to scream catchphrases from movies and songs that were popular fifteen minutes ago while the highlights play.

Cavemen

Much like Lord of the Rings had the entire cannon of J.R.R. Tolkien to use, ABC’s comedy classic has a rich source of material that weekly half hour episodes cannot do justice to. If I were running this town, I’d make a three-picture commitment right now before the other cavemen related comedies start showing up in theaters.

According to Jim

According to me, this is the best idea I’ve ever had, and that’s saying something because I’m the person behind clickable sharpies.

Answering YOUR Questions

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 15:50:55 -0800

Hello friends, Will Lerner here to answer some of the questions you readers have been sending in. I already answered some questions about the blog, but I thought you’d appreciate it if I divulged some more.

What’s Carson like when the cameras are off? (from Holly in Staten Island, NY)

Short answer: No clue. Longer answer: Last Call with Carson Daly has an unorthodox shooting method. Although we only have 22 minutes of airtime, we shoot 12 hours of content. Then our editing staff (fifty-five people strong) cut it down. This is a roundabout way of saying that I wouldn’t know what Carson’s like off-camera, because we never stop shooting. You can see the fatigue hit the show in episode 330 when Maura Tierney literally fell asleep mid-interview.

Why did the show move from New York to California? (from Mike in Yonkers, NY)

Short answer: Manifest destiny. Longer answer: Much like our nations’ forefathers, Last Call looked west for land and riches. Carson Daly is like a modern day Lewis and Clark. Actually, that’s the most fitting simile I’ve ever written. Like Lewis, Carson enjoys river rafting and homemade jackets made out of hide, and like Clark, he doesn’t go anywhere without his favorite coonskin cap and Native American female guide. Which, coincidentally, is why Carson trades in all his one-dollar bills for Sacajawea coins.

Has Joe Firstman and the Last Call band always been with the show? (from Jeff in Kenilworth, NJ)

Short answer: Nope. Longer answer: Joe and the gang settled in as house-band after a few seasons of different bands playing the part. I’d like to take the rest of this space to speak about something completely unrelated. I have a serious problem with people in the Target who walk down the main aisles and then suddenly stop in the middle to look at something. When you suddenly stop, I assume you’re staying there, so I start to look to move around you when, all of the sudden, you keep moving, so I have to either get in back of you again, or try to rush around you before halting the people coming down the other side of the aisle. The biggest issue is that if you’re doing this once, you’re likely to do it again, and it pisses me off and I hate it, so quit doing it already. I’m talking to you, lady with the mullet and tremendously big Auburn University shirt with the tobacco stain on the sleeve.

What are some really cool celebrity names? (from George in West Kingston, RI)
I’ve always been a fan of Gerard Depardieu. Moon Bloodgood (a recent guest of the show) has a great name. Others that would probably make a top 100 list: Malik Yoba, Tovah Feldshuh, and Farty McFartsworth Fartington IV.

How many Emmys did Last Call win this year? (from Stephanie in Northbrook, IL)
The real question is how many Emmys did we not win that we were not trying for this year? And the answer is a magnificent 100 percent. You try finding another show with a record that impressive, and I’ll eat my hat twice over.

5 Things Old People Have To Stop Telling Me

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 10:01:30 -0800

Hello friends, it's been a while, but here's my newest thoughts written down, I present to you, five things old people have to stop telling me:

"Stop going through my medicine cabinet."

I can't help it! With all your trips to Canada to load up on cheap medication, you come away with a bounty unparallel from the great white north since the French came away with all those beaver pellets.

"Kids have to start hiking up their pants, they look stupid."

In the Constitution I would write, kids will have to start pulling up their pants as soon as old people stop wearing the things they call shorts (and what anybody under the age of 35 might call hot pants). Here's the deal, you have to see the crack of 25 year olds as long as they have to see the vericose veins running up and down your legs. I get that you were voted prettiest girl in 9th grade in 1934, but it's time to face your age, Muriel.

"Movies aren't as good as they used to be."

Your chance of hearing this come from the geriatric population is most likely to occur after a trailer for the newest comedy hack piece. True, there are a fair share of crappy movies being churned out these days, there are more "talkies" these days which means that there will be more bad movies released; but get this, it means more good movies can too. Movies are as good or as bad as they have been since you were blown away by that darling young man in the black face, Al Jolson.

"They don't let me go outside at the senior home you insisted I live in."

Yeah, well, whatever. You wouldn't get me that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles "Turtle Party Wagon" that I so desperately wanted when I was 5, so prepare to suffer the consequence that is your low security old people prison. This might seem unnecessarily harsh to my readership, but all I had was the "Technodrome," the lair of Shredder and Krang. Who buys a kid a means of transportation for the bad guys and then on the other hand refuses to get the "Turtle Party Wagon" forcing Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael to attack their arch-enemies' headquarters on foot? It'd be like telling Luke Skywalker in the first Star Wars movie, "please go take out the Death Star, oh but you can't fly a ship because they're too pricy and we need the money to feed you". No wonder I'm so screwed up.

"Let me show you pictures of my grandchildren, they're adorable!"

There seems to be a misconception that children are somehow all beautiful. This not only plagues the senior citizenry of this nation, but everyone of any age. So, to be fair, this is not a fault belonging solely to the 75 and up folks. Here's my problem with looking at pictures of the little tykes: nine out of ten are really ugly. Think about it, there are a lot of really ugly adults…where do they come from? And to those who are accusing me of superficiality right now, I was speaking on emotional terms. Now who's superficial?

Actors Who Need To Come Back

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 14:16:53 -0800

Once in the forefront of our minds and hearts, they have slipped into semi-obscurity. The following people must come back to the limelight and entertain once more:

Carl Winslow and Uncle Phil

I’ve mentioned this to several of the people I pay to be my friends. I want Quentin Tarantino, the master of bringing actors back into the limelight, to get Uncle Phil and Carl on the phone and make a movie. About what, you ask? I respond that I don’t care as long as the two of them get to A) act grumpy, B) do some serious fat man dancing to some classic Marvin Gaye or Sam Cooke, and C) give a lecture that enlightens the character they’re speaking to AND the audience.

Sean Young

Hey people, why don’t you get off your pedestal? Why don’t you get off your high horse? Why don’t you get off your high horse that’s on a pedestal? Haven’t we all dressed as Catwoman and confronted Tim Burton? No? Only her and me? Actually, the weirdest part of that story is we both did it on the same day. I don’t want to seem CATTY (comedy gold), but my costume was much more flattering than hers.

Hayden Christensen

He was of course, the acting powerhouse who, on his shoulders alone, made the new “Star Wars” trilogy better than the original. The passionate, burning romance scenes with Natalie Portman stand as a testament to my cause to set more romantic comedies in futuristic space settings. Just think about how wonderful “License to Wed” could have been if it had been set on a space shuttle.

Borat

Quick! Before the quotes from that movie stop being repeated! My ears just stopped bleeding and I’m confused and a glutton for punishment. Give me some “I liiiike” and “I like to make sexy time”! Sacha Baron Cohen needs to make a sequel so those lines won’t disappear!

Tim Allen

Timothy, where have you been? In 2006 you were on FIRE and on top of your game, making the movies that will define you for the rest of your career: “The Santa Clause 3,” “Zoom,” and “The Shaggy Dog”. You got me all excited for 2007 when the super awesome funny “Wild Hogs” came to my local movie theater, but that’s been it, and now IMDB is telling me that I’m going to have to wait til 2008 for your next movie. What the hell, man? I only use this compliment sparingly: Tim Allen, you are as funny as Carlos Mencia. Get back on the silver screen already!

Well, time will tell if these guys (and gal) will ever get back to the level of awesomeness they already showed they can output. I’m calling on the Spielbergs, the Rudins, the Weinsteins, and any other big producers out there to get these folks back in the consciousness of the American people. Until then, television and movies just won’t be as good as they could be.

A New Season, A New Start!

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 14:39:56 -0800

Hello friends, as you know well by now, our show has moved into its seventh season here on NBC! I thought that since the new season equals a new year to us here at Last Call with Cason Daly, I'd share some of my new season resolutions!

1) I'm going to finally put some effort into my work here at Last Call. Rather than my current schedule of coming in whenever I feel like it and leaving when I'm bored, I'm going to give the 9 to 5 thing a real whirl!

2) I'm going to finally introduce myself to Carson. Right now he only knows me as the guy who's he walked in on several times into his dressing room to find sleeping on his couch. Generally I rush out without explanation. But now, damn it, I'm going to say, "Hi my name is Will Lerner and lunch makes me sleepy"!

3) I'm going to start watching the show now. The last while since I've been working on the show, 1:30 to 2:00AM was devoted to me catching up on the entire series of "Designing Women". But now that I've seen all of the show, I can finally tune into the Carson Daly show. I know it might be shocking to you to hear that, I, the show's number one employee, don't watch the show, but you try ignoring the antics of Julia Sugarbaker and Mary Jo Shively! If you succeed I'll eat my hat.

4) I'm going to stop keying peoples' cars in the parking lot. No explanation really necessary.

5) I'm going to discontinue my black market baby selling. The feds let me off with a stern warning after the last time they caught me, but if they catch me again I might have to do community service, and there's no way I'm cleaning highway roads or candy striping. A special shout out to FBI Agent Lenny Iannizzotto, who's caught me 3 times now.

6) I'm going to stop constantly quoting my all-time favorite comedy television show, "Mind of Mencia". I understand that even the funniest writing, if repeated too often, will wear thin on others. It's just that Carlos Mencia's humor really, really, really speaks to me. "Dee-dee-dee"! HAHAHAHAHAHA. Comedy gold.

7) I'm going to cease my tendency to create a running commentary of what others are doing in the bathroom.

8) I'm going to end my vicodin addiction. Not because of the damage to my body but because the cost is killing me.

9) I'm going to stop being that guy at the office party who just stands next to the food platters wondering out loud "I WONDER WHAT THEY PUT IN THIS?" as a way of starting a conversation.

I'm going to start wearing pressed pants. This improves upon my former decision to not wear any at all.

Only time will tell if I'll stay true to any of these resolutions. Let's see if I have enough WILL power. HAHAHAHAHA. Comedy gold.

Interview with Brent Bradshaw, Last Call Writer

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 12:02:52 -0800

Hello friends, Will Lerner here. Brent Bradshaw doesn't know the meaning of consistency. Some days he has a beard; some days he is clean-shaven. Sometimes he wears a white shirt, other times he’ll be wearing green or even blue. As you can tell, he’s a real wild card, so sitting down with him caused me to feel both a sense of nervousness and excitement. Please read what I think might just be the best piece of literature you’ll see today.

Will Lerner: Do you like alcoholic beverages?

Brent Bradshaw: To drink?

WL: Want to get drunk with me right now?

BB: We’re sort of in the middle of work here…have you been drinking at work?

WL: I’m sorry to tell you this, but that was a test of your character. And you failed. Why are you such a square?

BB: Well, I’m a professional.

WL: But seriously, want to get drunk?

BB: I guess you didn’t hear my last answer.

WL: I shouldn’t have anything to drink. My bladder is unusually small; my doctor described it to me as pixie-sized.

BB: People around the office…

WL: They know?

BB: It’s common knowledge, Will. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know?

WL: I feel a little bit ashamed of my pixie-sized bladder. Here’s a question, why when we’re passing in the hallways, and I say hi, why do you just smirk and give me a nod?

BB: Mostly because I don’t know who you are.

WL: Is it because I don’t earn enough?

BB: No, it’s mostly because I don’t know who you are.

WL: Is your hair naturally curly? Because I have evidence that that is a perm.

BB: Let’s see it. I have the right to see your evidence before I answer the question.

WL: You don’t get to see the evidence. I wanted to see if you would crack under the pressure.

BB: No, I’m all-natural.

WL: You play the character “Buddy” on the show. I wanted to pitch this idea to you. Buddy comes up on the stage dressed in parachute pants and a beanie. Thoughts?

BB: I zoned out there for a second. What did you say?

WL: I’ll repeat it because it’s a really good idea. Buddy comes up on the stage dressed in parachute pants and a beanie.

BB: There doesn’t seem to be an idea to it, it seems more like a wardrobe choice.

WL: Ok, but just picture it. He’s wearing the parachute pants. And he’s wearing the beanie.

BB: That’s not an idea, is all that I’m saying. That’s just two things that you can wear.

WL: I hadn’t finished. He’s also wearing…moon boots.

BB: Umm…what was your job before this?

WL: I didn’t have one.

BB: This is your first one?

WL: Yeah, first job.

BB: (under breath) Last one too.

WL: I’m going to put you down as saying that’s a great idea.

BB: You can put me down for that, but that’s not an idea, it’s a list of clothing.

WL: I’m going to say, “Carson, I have this great idea, Brent Bradshaw, one of your writers, has endorsed it. Brent loved it.”

BB: As long as I get paid for it, that’s fine.

WL: True or false: babes dig the guys who appear on television at 1:30 in the morning.

BB: Let’s just say they don’t not find it appealing if they are awake at 1:35. The trick is to change all the channels in whatever bar you’re in to NBC and stand on the bar and take off your shirt and say “Hey that’s me on television. Right now. Anybody interested?”

WL: Sorry, but let’s pretend we’re passing in a hallway: “Hey ______”.

BB: …

WL: Ok, you’re not saying anything.

BB: I nodded; you have to put that in brackets.

WL: Can you and I have an inside joke?

BB: Generally something has to happen, they come from a place.

WL: So the two of us couldn’t sit down and talk it out? Do some brainstorming?

BB: They are not generally created; they are found jokes.

WL: Oh, so I have to go find a joke and tell it to you.

BB: No…what would be a good inside joke? What about this thing with your bladder?

WL: That’s more of a…I’d rather not talk about it. I’d prefer people didn’t know.

BB: Everyone knows. I’ll tell you what, you know what we can use? Remember that time I went to the bathroom, and you were examining yourself in the mirror?

WL: Yeah, no, I mean no.

BB: No clothes.

WL: I’d rather not…

BB: That’ll be our inside joke.

WL: Ok, that’s great…

BB: I’ll see you, especially when I see you coming out of the bathroom, I’ll say, “kept your clothes on this time!”

WL: Yeah.

BB: And nobody else will know what I’m talking about.

WL: Yeah.

BB: Fully-nude in the bathroom is weird, especially at work at 3 in the afternoon.

WL: The air conditioning doesn’t work as well in the bathroom…

BB: You were spraying yourself with self-tanner. In the nude at 3 in the afternoon. At work.

WL: I don’t get the chance to go out on the weekends, I’m very busy…

BB: So our inside joke will be, “nice bronze you got going on.” “Will is a bronze god”. And they won’t know what I mean. But you’ll know I mean that I saw you spraying yourself with self-tanner at 3 in the afternoon at work in the bathroom. And you’ll enjoy the humor of that.

WL: I can’t wait to share this with people.

BB: No, you don’t tell anyone.

WL: Oh! Because it’s our inside joke.

BB: If you tell people, they’ll just think you’re a weirdo. You know if you’re going to spray self-tanner on yourself, you do it at home.

WL: Or in your work bathroom. It doesn’t say on the can you can’t do it at work. Show me a can that says you can’t do it at work.

BB: Fair enough. I will say, though, that that’s a nice shade for you.

WL: Chestnut, if anyone’s interested. Well, this interview has been something, and I will probably remember it.

BB: This probably will be the last time I will ever think about it. But I am glad that it’s over.

Stupid Questions with Tom Green

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 11:07:23 -0800

Hello friends. Tom Green, host of the hit online talk show that broadcasts from his home here in California came to the show recently. I got a chance to sit down with him, and at the risk of being labeled an exaggerator; we are now best friends forever.

Will Lerner: Take me back to your childhood days, when you were just a young rapscallion running amok in the fields of Ontario.

Tom Green: Anything specific, or…?

WL: A memory.

TG: A memory?

WL: Yes.

TG: I don’t know if I have any memories from childhood, that’s the problem. Can that be my answer? “What are your memories from childhood,” I don’t have any memories from childhood?

WL: Really?

TG: I blocked a lot of it out. Everything before three years ago??ed to block it out. I’m focusing in on the present. I liked going to the cottage; that I remember…

WL: Did you…

TG: The internet.

WL: The internet?

TG: Yeah, it was exciting, playing with the internet back when I was a kid in Canada. The 80’s, I got into it. Started doing a lot of live broadcasting. You can see everything we’re doing over at TomGreen.com. It’s pretty amazing.

WL: Did you always know you were Canadian, or is that a choice?

TG: I always knew I was going to be Canadian. I always was Canadian, and still am Canadian. I’ve put in three times for American citizenship and was denied, so I’m just assuming it’s not going to happen.

WL: Who’s the greatest Canadian prime minister? Charles Tupper, Lester B. Pearson?

TG: Pierre Elliot Trudeau.

WL: I’d go with John Abbot.

TG: That’s not even a Canadian Prime Minister.

WL: I looked at Wikipedia…he was.

TG: What year was he?

WL: The 1800’s.

TG: The 1800’s? He’s not the best one. Pierre Elliot Trudeau is the best one. He dated Barbara Streisand, I don’t know if you know that, it’s something all Canadians are proud of.

WL: Well, everyone’s kind of dated…I dated Barbara Streisand.

TG: Yeah, our whole country’s dated her.

WL: Before this interview started, you demanded that I make you look good or you’ll hunt me down, what did you mean by that?

TG: Is this some sort of a “Punk’d” kind of thing going on here? Are you even from NBC.com? How did you get into my dressing room? Who the hell are you? You’re some kind of nut job, aren’t you?

WL: Maybe. Coffee or tea?

TG: Coffee.

WL: Jam or jelly?

TG: Jelly.

WL: Chinese food or “Teletubbies”?

TG: Chinese food.

WL: I’m going to tell you one of the questions that I was going to ask but ultimately rejected: Do you get angry with latecomers like Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore, as you were the first to be green?

TG: Who rejected that?

WL: I did.

TG: You rejected it?

WL: Yes.

TG: But then you overrode yourself? Give yourself a raise.

WL: Are there any questions you’d like to ask me?

TG: Who are you? How did you get in here?

WL: I bribed security.

TG: I would like to tell you to make sure you go check out TomGreen.com. We have the most up-to-date and modern on-demand page. Tell everyone else to do that too.

Interview with Producer Sean Beesley

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 13:04:03 -0800

Hello friends, Will Lerner here. There are a lot of people I respect in Last Call with Carson Daly’s offices. However, they were all busy, so I got stuck interviewing one of the show’s associate producers and a real turnip, Sean Beesley. To be completely honest, Sean was one of the last people I wanted to sit down with, but he kept harassing me to the point where it would be less painful to just bite the bullet and spend ten minutes alone with him then spend the next few weeks avoiding him. Without further ado, here are those ten minutes:

Will Lerner: Position?

Sean Beesley: Associate Producer. I help out the segment producers who handle interviews on the show.

WL: How long?

SB: Two years now.

WL: Some say that researching is a kind of professional stalking. How far are you willing to go to completely know one of the show’s guests?

SB: Who says that?

WL: People.

SB: You just made that up, right?

WL: Yes.

SB: Umm…am I giving you real answers or funny answers?

WL: Funny answers.

SB: I don’t have funny answers.

WL: It doesn’t matter what you say, to be honest, we don’t get a lot of hits on the blog.

SB: Do you put your side of this parenthetically?

WL: What…I…please just answer the damn question.

SB: We’re very careful with the research, we don’t ambush or anything. We don’t look for information that would make the guest uncomfortable. I don’t go to anybody’s house or anything.

WL: Why not?

SB: What do you mean?

WL: People truly want to know what make, let’s say, Wayne Brady tick. Why not…

SB: Why not follow him to his house?

WL: Yeah.

SB: So I should follow Wayne Brady to his house. Well, that’s creepy. You’re freaking me out, man.

WL: Let me read a quote for you: “When you have ants in your pants, you just gotta dance.” That was a little bit of wisdom from famed thespian David Caruso. Thoughts?

SB: I don’t know what that means. Do you watch that show? I tivo it for that moment where he flips on his sunglasses and then it goes to the…

WL: The YEEEAAAH moment?

SB: Yes! The YEEEAAAH moment! After a bad day, a few of those make living worthwhile.

Editor’s Note: For an example of the YEEEAAAH moment, watch this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFJU9wNqurg (at the very end)

WL: Better cop show: NYPD Blue or CSI: Miami?

SB: I’d probably go with Miami.

WL: That was a trick question; they are equal because they both had David Caruso in them.

SB: You got me there. Is this going to be online as audio or just a transcript?

WL: Transcript. I just want to put in an editor’s note, Sean’s voice is unusually high-pitched.

SB: That is so untrue.

WL: If you had to be any white, red-haired actor who was born on January 7th in Forest Hills, New York, who would you be?

SB: Probably Kathy Griffin.

WL: If you had to be any person named David Caruso, which David Caruso would you be?

SB: I’d be later Caruso; I like him.

WL: I’m just going to point this out to you: David Caruso has been your answer to several of my questions. What’s it like to be obsessed about someone?

SB: As soon as Last Call books Caruso, I think I can move on.

WL: Why have you personally said that television is the only good invention to come out of humankind in the last 100 years?

SB: Why have I said that?

WL: Yeah, you know, there’s penicillin for instance.

SB: I’ll quote Homer, “I grew up watching TV and I turned out TV”.

WL: Homer as in Homer Simpson or as in author of “The Odyssey”?

SB: Both, the original said it in Greek. Still funny.

WL: Is this interview going well? I can’t tell.

SB: This interview f***ing rocks.

WL: Are there any questions you’d like me to ask you? I don’t have any ethics when it comes to this kind of stuff.

SB: What are you trying to do with this blog? Get on air more often?

WL: I’m trying to put myself out there so that way people here will remember my name. Some of the producers call me Phil.

SB: Can I just say, you kids out there looking to get into the entertainment industry, don’t bother with college, big waste of time. What are you thinking? Learn how to copy things, program VCRs, and come out here at the age of 18.

WL: Changing subjects, do you like me? And I didn’t mean did you like me like me. I meant a platonic like me. I’d like to be friends with you. Unless you want more, because then I think it’d probably be too weird for us to be friends.

SB: Next question.

WL: Who is your biggest enemy in the office?

SB: Well, you’ve been stalking me a lot…

WL: I’m your biggest enemy?

SB: Yeah, you and a couple of the interns. That red-headed kid with the little ears. I mean ears those little are freaky, right? Who has ears that little? He can’t wear glasses; that’s for sure.

WL: I don’t have anything else to ask and I have to go to the bathroom so we’re done.

SB: Oh, ok. So you’ll stop harassing me about doing this interview with me then?

WL: Yeah I’ll move on to harassing you about other things.

Interview with Tom Lennon

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 16:02:36 -0800

Tom Lennon is a tremendous actor, comedian, writer, director, and if Michael Flatley is Lord of the Dance, then Tom is a photo finish runner up. I got a chance to talk with the star of “Reno 911”! and “Balls of Fury”.

Will Lerner: You describe yourself as two cups Lindsay Lohan, three tablespoons Britney Spears, and a pinch of Walter Cronkite. Why so?

Tom Lennon: Obviously the figure of Cronkite, the depth of performance of Lohan, and just the general joiedevivre slash crazy ass meth induced bulls*** of Britney Spears.

WL: I didn’t graduate high school, could you just spell that one word for me?

TL: Which one?

WL: The French one. Shwada, shwada…

TL: Joiedevivre?

WL: Yes.

TL: It’s spelled exactly like of “joy of life” in French.

WL: Ok.

TL: You see what I’m saying?

WL: Yes, just go to Free Translation and...

TL: Just go to Babelfish.

WL: Babelfish.

TL: Yeah.

WL: I haven’t heard of that one.

TL: You haven’t heard of Babelfish?

WL: No.

TL: Yeah you have.

WL: No, I really haven’t.

TL: Who’s bulls****ing who now? And since you didn’t go to high school you should know that it’s who’s bulls****ing whom now.

WL: I didn’t know of Babelfish.

TL: J-O-I-E…

WL: Are you spelling Babelfish or…

TL: You’ll find out in a second.

WL: Ok.

TL: D-E-V-I-V…and here’s where it’s going to blow your f***ing mind…

WL: It’s already been blown, but go ahead.

TL: You ready?

WL: Yes.

TL: V-I-V…R-E.

TL: They pronounce, those f***ing French, they pronounce “Viv-re” as “Vivvvv”.

WL: I just want to make a note that my mind HAS been blown. The greatest President of the 1850’s: Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, or James Buchanan?

TL: That’s a trick question because none of those men were Presidents of the 1840’s.

WL: Well, the question was of the 1850’s.

TL: Oh, oh, oh! The 1850’s! Oh you are correct then, you are correct.

WL: It is a trick question though.

TL: It is a trick question because I think of those guys is not.

WL: They all were, but it’s a trick question…

TL: Because they all sucked.

WL: No, I left out Zachary Taylor.

TL: Zachary Taylor…white supremacist, right? Or something?

WL: Well, he did other things, Constitution I think.

TL: I’m more of a James K. Polk guy.

WL: The Dark Horse candidate.

TL: Napoleon of the stump. What was your question? Who was the best one?

WL: Yeah, but you know, I already said…

TL: You already said.

WL: Yeah, I already gave my…

TL: Gave your vote.

WL: Yeah.

TL: So basically that was a lead-up for you to tell me who you thought the best one was.

WL: Yeah. I’m going to bill this as an interview…

TL: Where I back up your thoughts.

WL: Yes.

TL: I’m corroborating, you’re not interviewing me, I’m corroborating s*** you already think.

WL: Nobody likes me here, so I’m looking for some support.

TL: So I’m your “yes” man, your “wing” man.

WL: Exactly. According to something I made up in my head, you narrowly beat out Michael Keaton for the role of “Lieutenant Jim Dangle ” on “Reno 911”.

TL: That’s true. That is true, the thing you made up in your head. Did you make it up in your head that he blew it in the dance audition?

WL: No, I didn’t, what happened?

TL: His jazz hands didn’t have sparkle all the way to the tips.

WL: And yours did?

TL: …

WL: I just want to make a note, I offended Tom Lennon with that question. Is there any bad blood between the two of you?

TL: Me and Keats?

WL: Yes.

TL: Ask him.

WL: Ask him, ok.

TL: Ask that piece of s*** if there’s any bad blood between us.

WL: Your character on Reno 911!, Lieutenant Jim Dangle, is maybe the best example of pure testosterone on cable television today.

TL: Period.

WL: Ever.

TL: That’s not a question, that’s a statement again.

WL: What’s it like to be a modern-day John Wayne?

TL: First I’d like to point out, the other John Wayne, is technically, in the history of Earth is also a modern-day John Wayne.

WL: In this present, what’s it like to be a present-version of John Wayne.

TL: Ok, the present, but you said modern-day.

WL: I just corrected it.

TL: Ok, but if you look at human life, we’re the coat of paint on the top of the Eiffel Tower. So me and John Wayne are basically competing in the same era of human society.

WL: He is the boxer in the left corner with the red shorts, and you are the boxer in the right corner with the blue shorts.

TL: Right, in Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots, is that what you’re getting at?

WL: Yes. May I read a review of one of your movies?

TL: Which one is it?

WL: Can I read it?

TL: Which one is it?

WL: Can I read it?

TL: It depends, and then I’ll tell you something about writing.

WL: “The English Patient”.

TL: Yes, “The English Patient,” we’re proud of that one.

WL: Can I read it? One critic wrote it “captivates as only the grandest and most consuming passions can.” What was your process for writing that film?

TL: The first thing we did was we rented “The English Patient,” the very successful film that had been made with Ralph Fiennes. And we just transcribed it. It was probably one of the fastest script jobs we’ve ever done. Because I can type pretty fast.

WL: What are four things you like about me? I’m in need of some positive feedback because I’m perilously close to losing my job here; apparently they don’t like it when I talk to guests of the show.

TL: I can’t imagine why, because certainly, first and foremost you’re joiedevivre.

WL: Could you spell that?

TL: Again, I won’t spell it for you. I think you could use to better yourself…

WL: Babelfish.

TL: By Babelfishing some words. People might like you better if you could spell some colloquial French expressions. And not only that, but like, sacre bleu and esprit de corps.

WL: Is that something you like about me, because that sounded…

TL: No, it was more of a note, it was a note of how you could do better.

WL: Two things you like about me.

TL: Umm…

WL: One thing you like about me.

TL: We’ll go with the glasses.

WL: Thank you, I appreciate that.

TL: And the hair.

WL: So two things, wow, I’m touched.

TL: Well, they only go together, they’re one thing. Neither one is powerful enough to stand on its own. As a team, in an esprit de corps though…and again, look it up.

Things I’m Thankful For

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 12:21:37 -0800

Hello friends, Will Lerner here. Get your buckle shoes and buckle hat on, start heating up that turkey, and start working on a decorative cornucopia centerpiece, because it’s only 110+ days ‘til Thanksgivin’!

I thought I’d get the holiday pre-celebration started by letting you guys and gals know ten things I am thankful for:

1) Comedy Central’s roast of America’s foremost musical talent, Flavor Flav! If I had to pick one person who above all else deserved an entire night to him or herself, it’d be the “Flavor of Love” star. This guy has been bringing quality entertainment to the television airwaves for years now! Seriously, Comedy Central, please put more decent and warm-hearted mensches like him on the air. I mean, Carlos Mencia can only shoulder the load so much!

2) Hugs!

3) Lists of ten things! Did I just blow your mind? In one small sentence I made this entry a paradox. Among my many talents, astonishing people by simply being me, is one of them. And for all you “Harvard” types out there, I honestly couldn’t care less if you think I didn’t use the word “paradox” correctly. You nerds need to go suck an egg.

4) Warm bagels!

5) The Spanish word for pencil sharpener: sacapuntas!

6) The polyps in George W. Bush’s colon! A few weeks ago our nation’s 43rd President, George W. Bush, underwent surgery and thus had to transfer power for a few short hours to a guy I really love, Dick Cheney! Dick is my personal super-star number one cool guy! I’d like to thank Mr. Bush for allowing “The Dick” to be in charge for a little while.

7) The FOX Channel! You know, you guys really helped us regular Joes out when you got rid of that “intellectual” show “Arrested Development”! Man, talk about brainy. Those Harvard nerds that I told to go suck an egg are probably the only ones who could appreciate it. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, you can tell how funny a show is by the amount of people who watch it. That’s why “American Dad” is still on! It’s funny because people watch it because it’s funny.

8) Circular logic!

9) The 2007 comedy smash, “License to Wed”! I’d like to thank the four writers it took to come up with this laugh-a-minute riot! You can tell a movie is funny depending on how many people were involved in the script. It’s like the old saying, too many chefs make really great pot, or whatever. Think about it, the more people; the more tasty things you can put in.

10) Ugly, ugly children. Without you guys, the adorable children stars of movies and television wouldn’t charm us so completely.

Ok amigos and amigas, that’s all for now. Make sure you catch my next posting, because it will be a Christmas themed one! Green parachute pants and red beanies being worn by Last Call staffers!

Interview with Executive Producer, David Friedman

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 12:08:37 -0800

Quick, think of who, above all others, is your greatest hero. Have one? Well, I’m going to guess that most of you were thinking Michael Jordan or Abraham Lincoln or your parents or Cybil Shepard. My hero is Last Call with Carson Daly’s executive producer, David Friedman. Besides being the most intelligent person I know, he has commendable hygiene and obeys most traffic laws. His resume is impressive, besides the hit television shows he has worked on; David is clairvoyant and makes a world-famous three-meat chili. He makes all the decisions that make the show what it is and God bless him for it. He also signs my paycheck! I got to sit down with David and chew the fat.

Will Lerner: Position?

David Friedman: Mine?

WL: Yeah.

DF: Executive producer.

WL: How long did it take you to get to this position of power?

DF: Power? Am I in power?

WL: Yes, you are.

DF: About six months.

WL: Really?

DF: I was being sarcastic.

WL: Really, because someone as obviously talented as you would seemingly already be running this network by now. On another and completely unrelated topic, you decide my future here, right?

DF: Yes, you just insulted me though. You said I should be running the network but instead I’m running a show that’s on at 1:30 in the morning.

WL: Umm, skipping ahead, I don't want to seem too sycophantic or hyperbolic…

DF: I don’t know what either of those two words mean.

WL: But you are really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, great. Now that I've paid you such a sincere compliment, maybe you'd like to say something to me?

DF: No.

WL: So, do you know Carson?

DF: Yes, I do, he’s a big part of the show.

WL: He doesn’t know who I am.

DF: That’s not true, I saw a picture of the two of you online.

WL: He didn’t know I was taking it.

DF: Carson’s great.

WL: How great? Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, great?

DF: Not that great. Just really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really great.

WL: You told me that my idea of having a show where we just show Last Call staffers wearing parachute pants and beanies posing on set was stupid. I was hoping for some clarification as to why you think this.

DF: If you need clarification as to why that idea is stupid, then you are, in fact, stupid.

WL: Can I tell you a new idea that might interest you?

DF: Is it as bad as that other one?

WL: No, well…ok, first of all, I don’t think that other idea was bad. My new idea…

DF: Will I think it is as bad as the first idea?

WL: I think I’m about to find out.

DF: Shoot.

WL: It's totally different from that last thing I just told you. Ok, get this, Last Call staffers wearing parachute pants, beanies, and moon boots.

DF: Ok, that’s equally as stupid. In fact, I think it’s the same idea.

WL: It’s not; they’re wearing moon boots.

DF: Alright, next question.

WL: No, hold on, let me just sell it a little harder…they stand there, no one talks.

DF: Right, this is television.

WL: Exactly!

DF: No, it’s boring.

WL: Alright, if you’re asking for some dialogue, we could have them murmur.

DF: Have you heard Damien Rice’s cover of “Creep”?

WL: No…

DF: Keep going…

Editor’s Note: David now starts to put on a CD.

WL: You’re going to try and drown me out, aren’t you?

Editor’s Note: I’m referring to the tape recorder I’m using to capture this interview.

DF: It doesn’t matter; this won’t see the light of the day.

WL: Let's say one wanted to know a way to get a promotion in this office without having to do all that "working hard" or "gaining experience" crap you throw around. No offense.

Damien Rice: “I don’t belong here…”

DF: Hear that? “I don’t belong here”? Is that telling you something? So you want to know how to get a promotion here?

WL: Yeah, I don’t want to work hard, I don’t want to have to learn anything, I show up late at least four days out of five a week, if I show up at all.

DF: Do you even work here anymore?

WL: Technically, no. I had to jump the gate to get inside here. Give me three words that would sum up your feelings on working here. Here are mine, and I want to remind you of your promise to not get upset about the three words that I would use to sum up my feelings about working here.

DF: I didn’t promise that.

WL: Yeah, well, you did, so, anyway: ducklings, absinthe, hell-on-earth. And torture. And pain. So, really, five words.

DF: Is hell-on-earth one word?

WL: Hyphenated, yes.

DF: If you’re so miserable here you can go back to the job you had before this.

WL: I didn’t have a job.

DF: Exactly.

WL: You guys found me on the street, I was trying to rob an old woman…Judging by your stony silence, I'm guessing my time is up. I'll leave you with this thought: Please promote me. Seriously, please promote me, I'm five thousand dollars in debt. It's my fault in many ways, I have sixteen credit cards that I don't really keep track of.

DF: Is that true?

WL: No.

DF: So you’re a pathological liar?

WL: No.

DF: Is that a lie?

WL: Ye…I mean no.

Person pictured in above photos may or may not be David Friedman.

Joel McHale Interview

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 17:26:07 -0800

Hello friends, Will Lerner here. Suffice to say my interview with Patton Oswalt catapulted me to a level of fame that I’m not sure I can handle. Now every Joey Q. WantsToBeAStar and Sally T. NeedsToBeFamous are knocking on my door trying to get a taste, a whiff, a brush of my celebrity. However, some truly BIG names do manage to capture my imagination. The latest being Joel McHale, star of E!’s “The Soup.” Please read what was a meeting of two Hollywood Heavyweights.

Will Lerner: Yellowstone National Park. The Hoover Dam. Joel McHale. How did you become a national landmark?

Joel McHale: I’m going to say it’s my majestic geysers.

WL: Like Yellowstone?

JM: A different type of geyser that happens after sushi.

WL: You were on the NBC show “Will and Grace”. Which one did you play?

JM: I played George C. Scott. It was a huge stretch for me.

WL: Yeah.

JM: No, I played a guy named Ian, and my nickname was Frankenst-ian. I got hired because I was really good at playing dumb. How surprising that I work for “E!”

WL: Have you ever considered becoming a soccer player and changing your name to Goal McHale?

JM: Yes I have.

WL: If you could have dinner with any person alive or dead, the only rule being that their first name had to be Will, which happens to be my name, who would you choose?

JM: William Tell.

WL: Ok, I’m slightly disappointed that you didn’t pick me.

JM: Well, what are you going to do about it, four eyes?

WL: Wow. I’m just going to say I’m at the Bob’s Big Boy every Thursday, nine o’clock.

JM: How about you’re there every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday you’re at the Bob’s Big Boy?

WL: How did you know that?

JM: I can tell by your weight.

WL: Thank you. How would you respond to this statement: “Seattle’s Best (a coffee brand) should put Joel McHale on its packaging to truly represent what great things the city has to offer”.

JM: Can you repeat the question? I still feel bad about insulting you.

WL: I feel bad about it too.

JM: I’m going to let it go, this time. But not next time.

WL: You want me to repeat my last question?

JM: Yeah, say it again.

WL: How would you respond to this…

JM: Got it. Continue.

WL: Now that we’re done…

JM: No, we’re not done! Ask the question.

WL: How would you respond to this statement: “Seattle’s Best (a coffee brand) should put Joel McHale on its packaging to truly represent what great things the city has to offer”.

JM: What should they put on the…?

WL: How would you respond to that statement?

JM: If I was on the bag?

WL: No, they should put you on the bag…

JM: Oh, if they did that?

WL: No, they should put you on…

JM: Oh, you’re saying they should put me on the bag.

WL: Because you’re from the Seattle area…

JM: Right, right, right.

WL: And it’s called Seattle’s best…

JM: Right.

WL: Since you are Seattle’s best…

JM: Thank you.

WL: I’m trying to compliment you.

JM: Oh! Thank you!

WL: Well it’s too late now; I take it back.

JM: If I work for “E!”, which I do, you do not have to read or write or follow logical thought, and that’s how I got the job. Forgive me, Will.

WL: Hey, no problem.

JM: Are you still upset?

WL: Yeah.

JM: S**t.

WL: Pretty bummed out.

JM: Want a job at E!? I can get you on Sunset Tan right now.

WL: I don’t want burn my bridges here, but I hate it here. I have a lot of problems with the host, the executive producer…

JM: Will, I have some questions for you.

WL: Ok.

JM: Complete this statement: When I murder a prostitute I hide their bodies to have sex with them in ______.

WL: Did I kill the prostitute or did someone else?

JM: It doesn’t matter, really.

WL: Well, there are intricacies.

JM: I ruined it. Another one. Fill this: When I, Will, was on “To Catch a Predator,” I brought _____ with me for the 13 year old.

WL: Movie tickets. I mean I wasn’t on that show.

JM: Right. Nice.

WL: Any other questions for me?

JM: Yes. Umm. Nope.

WL: It was a pleasure and an honor to meet you.

JM: Are you still mad at me?

WL: Yeah.

JM: Damn it!

Tips on How To Be More Popular at Work

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 17:03:59 -0800

Hello friends, Will Lerner here. Over the past few weeks I have managed to get more responsibility and pay despite putting in less effort and my penchant for taking things from peoples’ offices. How have I managed this you ask? There is no way to put it other than: I am extremely popular. I don’t want to exaggerate my persona too much, but it is safe to say that in this dreary, decrepit, and foul-smelling office, I am a burst of pure, unadulterated sunshine. Since I joined the team, our suicide rate is forty percent lower!

Now you’re probably wondering, how can I acquire this amount of respect and goodwill? Since I am as generous as I am popular, I have decided to give you guys and gals some tips on how to become office royalty. Past luminaries of my school of thought have taken these pearls of wisdom and become darlings of this nation, including:

• Dakota Fanning
• Meg Ryan
• Sam Donaldson
• Jonathan Lipnicki
• Julia Roberts
• Ted Stevens

So let’s get to it!

• Don’t just say hello; SCREAM it! If anything, it will help the recipient of your greeting wake up a little bit. It also shows enthusiasm.

• Want to get to know someone a little better? Where’s a more intimate meeting place than the bathroom? Just keep an eye on the guy or gal you want to strike a new friendship with and follow them when they have to go!

• Wear the latest trends. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING works better than wearing a t-shirt with a popular television character on it. The other day I wore a Carlos Mencia t-shirt, with this line from “Mind of Mencia”: “Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?” LOL’ERS!

o Side note: Carlos Mencia is the diggety bomb, and that joke proves it. Never has television seen such a man whose wit and satire is so cutting!

• This tip is closely related to my last one. Everyone loves the guy or gal who punches out catchphrase after catchphrase from popular television shows or movies that gross more than 30 million in its opening week! For instance, I always make sure to start the week off by blurting out a few “Dee-dee-dee”s from my all-time favorite comedy show “Mind of Mencia”.

o Side note: I LOVE “Mind of Mencia”. He’s been labeled the newest “Bad Boy of Comedy” by some, and even addressed that HILARIOUSLY in a recent episode. I just want to add myself to the list of people who agree with that. He’s really, really, really, really bad!

• Figure out where someone is from and use their expressions to make them feel more at home. One of our writers is from Arkansas, so I use the handy Southern expression “ya’ll” around him every other chance I get. Our cue card lady is from London so I make sure to sure to say “Lor' luv a duck! Hello, 'ow are yew today?” instead of “Hello, how are you?” They love it!

• One last tip: If you have a new piece of technology, flash it around as much as possible! The newest and best thing to show off these days is the new Apple Iphone. Having trouble bringing it up in conversation? Well ask someone if they’d like you to Google something for him or her. If they say yes, then bam, use the Internet function in front of them. If no, say, “Pity, because with my new Apple Iphone, I could look something up for you in no time flat!” It’s a win-win situation.

Ok friends, that's all for now, make sure to keep checking this blog because soon we'll have pictures of Last Call staffers wearing parachute pants and beanies!

Interview with Head Writer: Dave King

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 15:38:59 -0800

True story: In 1908 a young man had a vision and a dream and immediately got to work. By simply rolling up his sleeves and believing in himself to no end, the young man made history. In 1908 Henry Ford changed the world as we know it when he introduced the world’s citizenry to the Model T. Today his work still impacts us all. Dave King, Last Call with Carson Daly’s head writer, is a lot like Henry Ford. They both have four letters in their last name. Coincidence? No, it’s destiny. I got to sit with Dave and shoot “the breeze” about “the business”.

Will Lerner: Your position?

Dave King: Head writer.

WL: How’d you get the job?

DK: I got it through a friend of a friend; I’d actually rather not say anything more than that. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble.

WL: Now that you’ve lied, whom did you sleep with to get this job?

DK: Can I plead the fifth here, or no?

WL: You’re going to look suspicious…

DK: I plead the fifth.

WL: How am I doing so far?

DK: B minus.

WL: Why don’t I get invited to parties?

DK: We don’t have parties. And when we do have them we don’t invite you.

WL: Yes, that’s the question, why don’t I get invited to parties?

DK: That’s not my area; you’d have to ask the social planning…chairman.

WL: Can you throw a party at your house and then invite me and brag about me in front of important people, who will, if you do your job correctly, will invite me to subsequent parties?

DK: I could try…yeah; we could do that.

WL: Can we set a date?

DK: No.

WL: Can you tell me where you live?

DK: No.

WL: The only reason I ask is because I’d like to put balloons on your mailbox. And then over the next few weeks put up an increasing amount of decorations. To prepare slowly, much like how one would plan a wedding.

DK: I’m getting border-lined creeped out right now.

WL: Carson Daly: Folk hero, folk legend, or mythic folklore?

DK: He’s a folk hero.

WL: Explain.

DK: I don’t know man, he’s a hero. He’s folk in the traditional sense of the word; he’s a man of the people.

WL: I meant folk like the Kingston Trio or Peter, Paul, and Mary.

DK: Yeah, you should see his huge collection of Weavers albums.

WL: Explain Weavers.

DK: Weavers? You’re asking about folk and you don’t know the Weavers?

WL: My knowledge of folk music only extends to the Wikipedia article I glanced at before this interview.

DK: Well if you want to know more about folk music from a hero, ask Carson.

WL: Do you think you could throw a party and invite both Carson and me…

DK: Next question.

WL: Is cross-dressing a belief or a theory?

DK: I think it’s a belief, I’ve seen people do it so it can’t be a theory.

WL: You seem to know a lot about cross-dressing…

DK: I don’t know if you went to college…you know what roommates are like in college? One’s a witch; another is into Nine Inch Nails. It’s like one out of every three roommates in college is going to be a cross-dresser.

WL: So you know a lot about cross-dressing because you roomed with cross-dressers.

DK: Yes and they taught me how to cross-dress. And now I do it frequently.

WL: And you go to cross-dressing parties.

DK: The party thing’s not happening.

WL: How does one make good television, please only speak in clichés.

DK: You got to give 110 percent. The show must go on.

WL: Right, the grass is greener on the other side.

DK: Yes, there’s a French expression, a cliché they have in France: “Quif ollen uf quif olen buf.” It means he who steals an egg steals a cow. It’s my philosophy.

WL: What’s it like to work in the entertainment industry?

DK: People like to say that it’s different, but it’s just like working in any industry.

WL: Yeah? Exactly the same?

DK: No, you have to make a television show instead of making shoes or whatever.

WL: But you could make a television show about shoes? Is that what you’re saying?

DK: If you’re saying that you want to pitch a television show about shoes to NBC, I don’t think that’s a very good idea.

WL: If I work really hard can I be in your shoes one day? I meant that rhetorically, I’m not hitting on you.

DK: If you were hitting on me, that’s a terrible question. I don’t know if you’ve ever hit on a girl or not, but if you met a girl in a bar and said “if I tried really hard, could I be in your shoes one day,” she would not think you were trying to ask her out.

WL: That’s just one of the lines I would use. Another would be “do you know what time it is?”

DK: That’s better I guess…

WL: And then she’d tell me and I’d say “thanks”.

DK: Right. You have any other questions?

WL: What do you say to the six or seven other people who might want to write for this show one day?

DK: I don’t know, there’s got to be something better to do…maybe teaching, being a chef?

WL: Being a professional party planner maybe?

DK: I feel like you’re trying to hard, Will. I like the cut of your jib, but I just don’t know.

WL: Best way to get noticed in Hollywood: Exposing yourself, blaming the Jewish people for all of history’s wars, dropping the F-bomb, or driving drunk?

DK: Dropping the F-bomb. You can’t drop too many F-bombs. We’re talking about the word “fart,” right?

WL: Yes. On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, 9 being the number closest to 10, which, as I just told you is the highest, 8…

DK: I have a lot of stuff I have to do today…

WL: I just want to make sure that I get the right number. So then there’s 7…

Three minutes later

WL: So what number would you pick?

DK: For what? You didn’t tell me what the scale was for.

WL: Thank you, this has been a blast, see you at the next party.

DK: You’re not invited.