November 05, 03:57 PM

Green Is Universal, Helpful Tips From Will

Well, it’s exciting times here at NBC, as the network has declared this week to be "Green Is Universal" Week. Every NBC Universal owned show will be making a concerted effort to show just how green we can be. Since the peacock owns us, and because our arguments to not have to do this were ignored; I’ve been asked to write an entry in the hopes that the three of you who actually read this (my parents and a random college student from Minnesota) will help save our planet. Thus, I present to you some tips on how you can help the environment.


1) Reduce your television watching, it will save energy. Now, I, like the next Joe Q. Americana, likes to sit down to a full night in front of the tube. Who doesn’t want to get themselves a big popcorn bucket and be entertained by the amazing programming delivered to us by people like Carlos Mencia or the people he borrows jokes from? Actually…now that I think about it, if you turn off your television, you won’t realize that we’re trying to help save the environment. After thinking it through, it would be better to just keep it on at all times, lest you miss an important green tip.


2) Use the carpool lane. My logic is as follows, if cars that are gas efficient are allowed to use carpool lanes, than cars that drive in carpool lanes must be gas efficient. In other words, if a equals b, than b must equal a. I think that’s Occam’s Razor, or some other thing that the Greek philosopher Aeropostale came up with.


3) Hold your breath as much as you can, as often as you can. Did you know that in a regular day, the average American exhales fifty three thousand cubic square feet of carbon dioxide? I found out about this astonishing figure a few moments ago when I came up with it. Stop breathing in all that oxygen, greedy-guts. Let the trees and grass get some too.


4) Support global warming. Last time this planet got a little too cold, we had an ice age. Who wants that again? So, do whatever you can to make sure that this planet stays nice and toasty. Or we’ll go the way of “Dinosaurs”: cancelled.


5) On average, Americans use way too many water bottles. Let’s say we throw out eighty billion metric tons of them every year because that sounds like an impressive number that might frighten people too lazy to google search it. Do yourself a favor and drink tap water. And no paper cups! Drink straight out of the faucet. If you’re unwilling to do that, you’re probably not thirsty enough.


Hope these tips help. I, for one, am probably going to maybe do some if any of the things I listed. But no promises.