October 01, 10:01 AM

5 Things Old People Have To Stop Telling Me

Hello friends, it's been a while, but here's my newest thoughts written down, I present to you, five things old people have to stop telling me:


"Stop going through my medicine cabinet."


I can't help it! With all your trips to Canada to load up on cheap medication, you come away with a bounty unparallel from the great white north since the French came away with all those beaver pellets.


"Kids have to start hiking up their pants, they look stupid."


In the Constitution I would write, kids will have to start pulling up their pants as soon as old people stop wearing the things they call shorts (and what anybody under the age of 35 might call hot pants). Here's the deal, you have to see the crack of 25 year olds as long as they have to see the vericose veins running up and down your legs. I get that you were voted prettiest girl in 9th grade in 1934, but it's time to face your age, Muriel.


"Movies aren't as good as they used to be."


Your chance of hearing this come from the geriatric population is most likely to occur after a trailer for the newest comedy hack piece. True, there are a fair share of crappy movies being churned out these days, there are more "talkies" these days which means that there will be more bad movies released; but get this, it means more good movies can too. Movies are as good or as bad as they have been since you were blown away by that darling young man in the black face, Al Jolson.


"They don't let me go outside at the senior home you insisted I live in."


Yeah, well, whatever. You wouldn't get me that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles "Turtle Party Wagon" that I so desperately wanted when I was 5, so prepare to suffer the consequence that is your low security old people prison. This might seem unnecessarily harsh to my readership, but all I had was the "Technodrome," the lair of Shredder and Krang. Who buys a kid a means of transportation for the bad guys and then on the other hand refuses to get the "Turtle Party Wagon" forcing Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael to attack their arch-enemies' headquarters on foot? It'd be like telling Luke Skywalker in the first Star Wars movie, "please go take out the Death Star, oh but you can't fly a ship because they're too pricy and we need the money to feed you". No wonder I'm so screwed up.


"Let me show you pictures of my grandchildren, they're adorable!"


There seems to be a misconception that children are somehow all beautiful. This not only plagues the senior citizenry of this nation, but everyone of any age. So, to be fair, this is not a fault belonging solely to the 75 and up folks. Here's my problem with looking at pictures of the little tykes: nine out of ten are really ugly. Think about it, there are a lot of really ugly adults…where do they come from? And to those who are accusing me of superficiality right now, I was speaking on emotional terms. Now who's superficial?