“I haven’t showered in nearly a week… I think women secretly like the stench of an unwashed man.”

“I think I’m in love with The Grip.”

“That’s one hairy shoulder.”

“This girl I’ve been IMing asked if I have a lazy eye. Do I?”

“During the war, my grandmother used to let Italian prisoners of war feel her breasts over her sweater.”

Girl: “I have two words you’re not going to want to hear.”
Guy: “You’re pregnant?”
Girl: “No, Tom Green”

“What’s the rule on buttcrack again? How many inches from above?”

“I added our summer intern as one of my myspace friends… but I’m 30 and I think it looks creepy to have a 17 year old boy as a friend…”

“I don’t think I like people.”

“And then the robot comes in and humps a toaster”