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| November 21, 2006 |
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What to do...
Hey everyone,
Hope all is well in the world...as for Ireland...it's cold, wet and windy...apparently it rains here...
But seriously, we've been trapped indoors for days with this nonstop hurricane-like weather...sideways rain, hail or sleet every hour or two and oh...did I mention more flooding. I have no problem going out in the rain...but when your mode of transportation is a bike and the rain blows you over into lakes that form in your back yard...it gets tough...enough complaining.
I have been home a lot but I have also had the time to sit back and do some writing, listen to some new music and have some good conversations. I'd like to take you all into the world of an art school...for those of you on the outside...this is how I see it:
You all have that idea of an artist in your head...they are the free thinkers, the strange, the creative, the loud, the decorated, the innovative, the burned out, the hyper over-observers and the "deep"...sort of. I am living with 9 artists and studying with 38 from all over the states. Last year in Greece I lived with 17 other Americans who loved to have a good time, see new places and meet new faces...they looked at me as different (I think) and hopefully as an artist. I was the one who filled that specific role in the group and I loved it. Now here's the kicker...I'm in art school... in Ireland... I'm not nearly as comfortable as when I was in Greece and even less comfortable than when I'm in the states. I suppose that this is my first taste of what it's like to be in the real world with other artists...surrounded by a group of peers from all over the place with very different views of the world, the art world and of me. I no longer am the artist that I thought I was. Rather I find myself constantly trying to defend myself as an artist...and worse...I constantly have to convince myself that what I'm doing is valid...and that I'm valid in this context. I am learning about who I am here. I am learning about who I am here. I am also learning about how I work and why I do things that I do. Over these past 10 days since my last entry I have kind of fallen apart and pieced myself back together.
I'm having trouble saying what I want to say here...so here's a part from my journal...
"So some of the things I have to say about studying abroad. I would have to say that this trip has been, more than any other trip, a path to self discovery thorough conflict with others. I am in a art school with artists from all over the states. To begin with, artists are very opinionated and in most situations I find them to be very different types of people…with very different ways of thinking. I would count myself as a person who thinks differently as well…an artist in part of that mix. I however don’t fit into that category according to many…the artist category I mean. I am finding it very difficult to get along here in a group of artists. I am an entertainer…they are entertainers. We are all fighting for some type of spotlight…I have always tried to live in a spotlight…through any means possible. I will try to overachieve, stand out…speak out, look different., talk different., act different…I love being different….so what does one do when surrounded by people who are just like him and in their own ways very different themselves. I don’t know. I am no longer as important as I once was. At my home school I find that many of the artists have a sense of community with each other….not so much here….it’s more of a competition to see who can appear to be successful. Through many discussions with the student’s here I am finding out things about the world of art that I am tiptoeing around as well as finding out many things about the way I think. Last night Ryan brought up something interesting to me…why are we here…not like that though…why are we here in the Burren…the middle of nowhere where these matters of the art world are so far away they can’t touch us… sorry, let me get to the point. I came here to see Ireland…perhaps others in the group came here to leave wherever it was that they were…not to experience Ireland but to just simply get away…That thought never even crossed my mind…come to Ireland not just to see Ireland. They accuse me of being a hunter…one who goes out into the world hunting art…images rather…hunting my photographs and them in a true hunter fashion I prepare them and hang them on a wall as trophies….is that what I do? I don’t know. Is photography just an instant gratification thing for me…where I feel conquest for photographing more of the world than others…I know that I am so far behind that I may never catch up but I will try anyway….
I am a photographer because I love the world. I love to see the world and find the most beautiful things possible…
So study abroad. I am here to meet new people, see new things and improve my portfolio. My greatest concern here was to grow as a person…though of great importance…growing as an artist was not my main goal here. I want to develop as an artist…but I don’t feel that I am as interested in the same art world as the rest of them. I don’t want to be Du Champ. I don’t want to be Warhol…I want to be ME. I have a tremendous amount of pride for who I am and what it is that I do with my life. More directly…I am proud to be me. Studying abroad has afforded me the opportunity to truly realize that. Have I changed in these 3 months or have I just become more comfortable being me. The one thing, if I had to say, that changed in me is that I became more solid. I’m not sure if you understand that. But since I’ve been here I have been judged more than anyone else in the group. I have been victim to more criticism as a person than I have ever been in my entire life. I have been told how I must change, who I must read and who I should listen to…I’ve been told that I need to broaden my horizons…stop popping my collar…learn who’s hot in the art world and been told that I am a dick repeatedly for reasons they will not tell me but rather tell me to figure out on my own. At this very minute as I write this I have learned how to be who I am with confidence."
And if you're still reading...
This is a list of people that have affected who I am as a person...I found it important to make this for some reason and I would like to thank these people for helping me grow or become more aware of myself and the world...Thank You.
"People that have led me in the past…in order.
Dad – to be a hard working honest man
Justin – to be liked
Shawn – to be noble
Danny – to be prideful
Mom – to be more accepting and to listen
Richard Fahey – to be loud
Mary Carson – to be kinder, to love
Colin Mulcunry – to be funny
Kevin Osborne – to relax
Ian Bornarth – to focus
Ilias from Greece – to keep a room at attention, to make them constantly aware of my presence but at the same time have a softer side worthy and commanding of respect
John from Greece – to think about everything and to tell more stories
Alison Leary – to have fun and be comfortable being me, to love again
Which brings me to now...the more immediate now as in Ireland...
Candace – to be confrontational, sort of
Kevin Fendell – to question my intentions and find why I do things that I do
Ducan – to make me realize that I must depend more on myself"
I know that you all don't know any of these people but they are who make up me. Some of them had great impacts, some had quick but effectual ones. Some were teachers, friends, roomates, and brothers.
I find that the more I remove myself from being comfortable, the more I learn about myself....everyone should give it a try some time, it's worth it.
Roger
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Posted by Roger at 12:31 AM | Permalink
| Comments (71)
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Comments
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You've got some exciting footage, yourself! What with the gorge jumping, windsurfing and kayaking! Nice work!
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Posted by:
JYAer Stacey |
November 23, 2006 09:47 AM
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Hi Roger
Hope all is well
I just took a tour of your work
wow, awesome,
I want to hear all about the trip, when you get home.
Lenny
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Posted by:
Lenny Mason |
November 27, 2006 06:50 PM
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Hi Roger - I hear the great struggles you are going through and want you to know that you must always continue to grow and to search within yourself as you go through life, but most important is to be yourself! I think you are the most amazing person and you are loved and respected for who you are. Listen to what people have to say but in the end seek within your own heart to know who you really are and you will find answers. I read between the lines and see so much growth since you have been gone - sometimes growth can be painful, but growth is good! Be true to yourself Roger - we miss you and we love you back here in Connecticut! Love Mom
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Posted by:
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November 27, 2006 10:03 PM
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Wow. Very interesting. I've been thinking about a lot of similar things lately; one of the reasons I've always thought of myself as more of a jack-of-all-trades type is that no matter what I define myself as, someone out there defines that very differently.
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Posted by:
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November 30, 2006 02:00 PM
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Wow, Roger! What you have written up above here re: your inner reflections about yourself and your work and how you are conscious of life & artistic changes coming down your way, is really inspiring. You blow me away like with a breath of fresh air and I'm sure anyone who reads your blogs will agree. Journey on with no holds barred & no self-censorship down the road of your expanding self discovery and growth........! Be you,----Be your self,-----Be............!!! (Oh, and, please continue to tell us about it all along the way, if you can.)
~Allen
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